Confused and Discouraged
This is just going to be a long, rambling post, so don't worry about trying to follow along. It's not meant to make any rational sense, I just need to get some thoughts out, vent, and try to figure some stuff out.
I've been discouraged quite a bit as of late. I've been in a relationship for over a year, waiting for something to develop out of it, but nothing has and I don't know what to do. The entire relationship is kind of dysfunctional and messed up to begin with...it was something that started with a co-worker. HUGE NO-NO...things just started on the wrong foot. We kept things secret for a number of reasons, the main ones being we didn't want the relationship to become an office topic of conversation, and we really didn't know how to reconcile the relationship with the company policies on relationships...I think you're supposed to talk to HR about it, but I wasn't comfortable doing that...it just seemed weird to me.
So we dated. In secret. For over a year. We argued a lot over things being a secret, and it's been the one thing that has bothered me the most...but at the same time, I've been afraid to make it public because of the work situation and lately, there's been instability in the department, so I'm even worried for my job security if this gets out.
About 2 weeks ago he left the company and got a position elsewhere. When he was offered the other job, I was so excited because I thought may for once, I might have a normal relationship that I don't have to hide...well, it's been 2 weeks, and yesterday was the summer party for my company. I had gotten him tickets to join us, but he wasn't comfortable coming (he said), so I told him it was up to him. He decided not to come. I got my kids ready, and went. Apparently, he spoke to a co-worker of mine, who "talked" him in to coming to the party. However, when he came, he acted as though he barely knew me, as just another office acquaintance, and spent the day with other co-workers...this bothered me. First, because he didn't want to go to the party with me, but was more than willing to go with someone else. Second, because once there, he continued to play the "secret relationship" game, and ignore me as though nothing was going on.
Why hide it? I guess I could have moved all of my stuff to sit by him, but at that point, I had already settled in to where I was set up. I'd told him where we were sitting, and he set up next to another single female co-worker and spent the evening helping her out...while I struggled with four kids...nice. I guess I'm still really pissed about it, despite the fact that I told him it sucked. I don't feel like he gets it. It was lame of him to show up, then ignore me. What have I wasted the last year for? I could have found a real relationship in that time, where I was in a happy relationship I could be proud of where I didn't have to sneak around and hide.
This relationship does not feel healthy to me. I really don't feel like it is, and I know that I deserve more than something where I have to sneak around, and settle for whatever I can get. I just tolerate it all because it feels like it's all I can get. I'm a single mother of three who's been divorced for 2 years. Sometimes I feel like that makes me a second class person who doesn't deserve the real thing again because I screwed it up the first time, so now I just need to be thankful for whatever get's thrown my way, and not expect more.
It sucks to feel almost worthless...it sucks to feel like you deserve more, but can't get it because you're divorced...and had your chance....
that's how I've been feeling lately. He says he want's to marry me, and i've told him I want that too, but I don't see how that's gonna happen anytime soon, considering this whole thing's been a secret for so long and he's not comfortable with it being public...or is it me who's not comfortable with it? what could i have done? I don't know...maybe i just expect too much...expecting him to be assertive about it and change things...do I have to do it myself? is it even fair for me to expect a non-secret relationship at this point? do we have to start all over again, not in secret? have I just wasted a year of my life with someone it couldn't have worked with because we worked together? I feel like I have. I feel like I could have found someone else who was available in that time, and gotten to know them well and fallen in love. And the whole relationship could have been out in the open. Have I wasted my time then? How do I fix things? I don't konw. I'm confused.
And that's my life.
I've been discouraged quite a bit as of late. I've been in a relationship for over a year, waiting for something to develop out of it, but nothing has and I don't know what to do. The entire relationship is kind of dysfunctional and messed up to begin with...it was something that started with a co-worker. HUGE NO-NO...things just started on the wrong foot. We kept things secret for a number of reasons, the main ones being we didn't want the relationship to become an office topic of conversation, and we really didn't know how to reconcile the relationship with the company policies on relationships...I think you're supposed to talk to HR about it, but I wasn't comfortable doing that...it just seemed weird to me.
So we dated. In secret. For over a year. We argued a lot over things being a secret, and it's been the one thing that has bothered me the most...but at the same time, I've been afraid to make it public because of the work situation and lately, there's been instability in the department, so I'm even worried for my job security if this gets out.
About 2 weeks ago he left the company and got a position elsewhere. When he was offered the other job, I was so excited because I thought may for once, I might have a normal relationship that I don't have to hide...well, it's been 2 weeks, and yesterday was the summer party for my company. I had gotten him tickets to join us, but he wasn't comfortable coming (he said), so I told him it was up to him. He decided not to come. I got my kids ready, and went. Apparently, he spoke to a co-worker of mine, who "talked" him in to coming to the party. However, when he came, he acted as though he barely knew me, as just another office acquaintance, and spent the day with other co-workers...this bothered me. First, because he didn't want to go to the party with me, but was more than willing to go with someone else. Second, because once there, he continued to play the "secret relationship" game, and ignore me as though nothing was going on.
Why hide it? I guess I could have moved all of my stuff to sit by him, but at that point, I had already settled in to where I was set up. I'd told him where we were sitting, and he set up next to another single female co-worker and spent the evening helping her out...while I struggled with four kids...nice. I guess I'm still really pissed about it, despite the fact that I told him it sucked. I don't feel like he gets it. It was lame of him to show up, then ignore me. What have I wasted the last year for? I could have found a real relationship in that time, where I was in a happy relationship I could be proud of where I didn't have to sneak around and hide.
This relationship does not feel healthy to me. I really don't feel like it is, and I know that I deserve more than something where I have to sneak around, and settle for whatever I can get. I just tolerate it all because it feels like it's all I can get. I'm a single mother of three who's been divorced for 2 years. Sometimes I feel like that makes me a second class person who doesn't deserve the real thing again because I screwed it up the first time, so now I just need to be thankful for whatever get's thrown my way, and not expect more.
It sucks to feel almost worthless...it sucks to feel like you deserve more, but can't get it because you're divorced...and had your chance....
that's how I've been feeling lately. He says he want's to marry me, and i've told him I want that too, but I don't see how that's gonna happen anytime soon, considering this whole thing's been a secret for so long and he's not comfortable with it being public...or is it me who's not comfortable with it? what could i have done? I don't know...maybe i just expect too much...expecting him to be assertive about it and change things...do I have to do it myself? is it even fair for me to expect a non-secret relationship at this point? do we have to start all over again, not in secret? have I just wasted a year of my life with someone it couldn't have worked with because we worked together? I feel like I have. I feel like I could have found someone else who was available in that time, and gotten to know them well and fallen in love. And the whole relationship could have been out in the open. Have I wasted my time then? How do I fix things? I don't konw. I'm confused.
And that's my life.
posted by Mehana @ 12:28 PM
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